Wednesday, October 21, 2015

frustrations and grace.

It's 1:30 in the morning and I've been staring blankly at my Spanish study guide for an hour. I've taken study breaks to run laps around my property, make hot cocoa, eat sweet potatoes, and catch up with an old friend. The test is at 9:30. I'm not feeling too hopeful.
I don't know what it is- I guess that once someone becomes one of "my people" it's hard to transition to having no relationship with them, besides the occasional and obligatory wave as we pass each other in our cars. Dating is confusing and I rarely understand all the emotions and complications that it brings. All I know for sure is that distracts people from studying #annoying

The hardest part of all is surrender. Surrendering control feels as natural as juggling while on a unicycle (Disclaimer: I've never done this, but I imagine it would not feel natural at all). Refusing to contact the guys I miss and refusing to give into self-pity and fear is really hard. Yet, this is what Christ asks, and He is faithful to provide the strength I need to wait upon Him. It is difficult to accept that I feel this much about, what I feel, is so inconsequential. When I consider the problems in the U.S. alone, not even the world, my problems seem quite pathetic. Still, they loom and I am acutely aware of them. Praying a lot that the Lord would take my self-centeredness away and restore my world to be centered around Him. Praying I will be more faithful tomorrow than I was today. Praying that I will love more deeply and listen more carefully. Praying I will learn to be vulnerable and honest. Praying I will overcome my fear of failure and incessant need to perform. Praying He will teach me to abide so that I can bear fruit. Praying that He will captivate my affections and my heart. Praying that I will not stray in pursuit of things and people that cannot satisfy. Praying I will get an A on this test by some miracle and that the hot chocolate will work wonders to keep me awake. Goodbye for now...

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